I’m married to a Muslim to whom I’m losing trust.
We’ve been married for a few years. I knew him prior to marriage and I (we) did repent for that. But he has gone off on two different occasions to acquire a second wife. On both occasions the sisters that he married seemed more out of desire and assuming that things would be different, with marrying a less than knowledgeable individual that lack basic manners and deen.
Even after knowing this at the time of marriage, he consummates then complains that he wants this second wife to have similar manners and deen as I do. My concern is that he has revealed his past (I know that as muslims we should keep these things to ourselves) and he was married several times as a kafir, and cheated on these wives and now it seems that he’s using Islam as a justification for doing this (having multiple wives).
He’s says that he loves me, but I feel that he’s just used to me and my good manners and resourcefulness, but he doesn’t attempt to treat the second spouse the way he treats me. He is very open to tell me things about the second spouse that I don’t want to hear.
Both marriages were seemed to be performed in a very sneaky and questionable manner. I don’t have a enough space to go into the details. He has stated on occasions that he has to have a second wife.
Is it allowed in Islam for a man to marry and divorce as many women as he wants (I know no more than four at one time), but one every few months, even if he’s just marrying another woman for the purpose of having something different temporarily? With the intent of using one of her negative qualities as a reason for divorce? We do not have children.
Am I allowed to request a divorce on the grounds that I cannot continue to cope with these situations and I’m losing the love and desire for my husband?
This story has been narrated to us by a reliable brother. All names have been altered and do not represent the actual people.
Harun, who is now a well recognized “da’ee”, once came to town to do a program many, many years ago, when his reputation as a Salafi marriage bandit was not so well known. It fell upon Khalid, a brother in the area, to sort out a meeting for him to see a certain sister for marriage (for whom Khalid was acting as wali).
At the time, it also happened that there was a new convert in town who was a… stripper. A stripper who had continued … stripping, even after her recent conversion.
Khalid was able to arrange a meeting with the sister Harun had come to see and took him to see her, but Harun wasn’t interested.
When Khalid tried to find out about Harun’s thoughts concerning the sister he had just seen, his reply was, “What’s this I hear about a stripper?”
These predators are not seeking to marry pious sisters to uphold the marital ties or create strong families and communities, but merely to serve their own (often deviant) sexual desires. Outwardly they appear to be righteous, but within inner circles their reality is starkly revealed.
So don’t get swept away by the ‘apparent’ nature of someone, especially if they are well known, but take time to check and investigate the matter.
Since the blog is still very much under construction – we’ve now added the options to “Follow” us and receive updates directly to your email, or Join our Facebook page and receive notifications there.
This way, you can follow along with us as we expand and include a larger information base, as well as begin including the stories from these predators insha’Allah!
We’d also like to ask as we work towards improving our blog :
What would you like to see on here?
What topics are you concerned about? Which issues need the most light?
We’d love to hear from you, so please join in with us in discussing the best way forward.
May Allah reward you all for your support!
As more and more people are becoming aware of this problem plaguing our communities, the question continually arises: What can we do?
Well, first of all – help us! Our blog is still in its initial stages, but we hope to keep improving with the help of Allaah, and the aid of our brothers and sisters insha’Allaah.
If you are interested in making a difference and taking action by helping us with our blog, below are a few possible methods how:
1. Get the word out!
Some of the blogs out there right now tackling this issue are full of allegations and accusations, most of which cannot be confirmed (even if they may be true). This goes against our Shar’i duties as Muslims and overrides the need for systems in which to approach the accused, and not just hear from the accusers. We plan to be different. Our goal is to provide an outlet for awareness, whilst keeping in line with the Shar’iah. This unfortunately means that we will not cater towards the ‘naming-and-shaming’ of specific individuals (as we believe this would require a more thorough process of verification), but we will host articles written and directed about these topics,and spread awareness of what happens to the victims of these criminals, from their own stories. It’s time to let the truth out, so that individuals and communities can be aware of this problem (as so many have been ignorant of it for far too long) and then take the necessary steps to prevent it themselves insha’Allaah.
But we need to get the word out! So spread it to your friends, contacts, families, Twitter/Facebook, and especially victims who have suffered from this, and help us put an end to these criminals!
2. Gather resources and submit content!
One of the leading reasons this phenomenon thrives is because of the silence and ignorance surrounding it. We need to get out there: ask our Imaams, our scholars, the knowledgeable brothers and sisters in the communities to speak out about it, address it, collect resources and then create a base to educate those who may be ignorant. And that’s just what we plan to do, bi’ithnillaah.
So if you’ve read or come across an article addressing this topic, or have valuable resources about this issue which you may have collected yourself and you feel would be beneficial to add to the site, please send us an email at : email@example.com with the subject heading: [Submission].
3. Contact victims and ask them to speak out!
Silence and apathy have allowed this disease to spread amongst our midst. To combat it – we’ve got to create speech and determination. And for this, we need the victims of these criminals to come forward and to tell their story, so that others can know and be aware of what they went through, and take the precautions against it themselves.
And in time, we hope that by this awareness, through noting the similar patterns and methods from these stories, people will be able to recognize these scammers/bandits for what they are more easily, and sisters who find themselves in the same predicament can know that they are not alone, this is not part of Islam, and that they can find help.
So if you know any sisters who have been affected by these Marriage Bandits please encourage them to Share their Story with us. We need to work together to get awareness out, and request anyone who has gone through this to please come forward, even if it’s anonymously.
Any help you can provide towards this initiative will be greatly appreciated, JazaakumAllaahu khayra!
Below are a few other ideas on how you can support and help prevent the occurring of these tragic cases in your own communities.
- Don’t turn a blind eye.
- Warn those around you about the tactics of these predators. Prevention is better than cure – help your sisters and female relatives be especially educated about these cases, remind them of the potential pitfalls and approaches by these cults and predators and make them feel comfortable in approaching your or your family with any questions about this topic they might have.
- Take an active – not passive role. If these predators are in your area, contact and speak to your local Imams - collect your efforts and make them aware of what goes on and urge them to take responsibility and bring these people to account. Don’t expect someone else to start this effort, actively seek to be a part of the solution, not the problem.
- Gather resources and educate yourself and your community. Bring this topic up to scholars and those with knowledge and encourage them to speak out about these issues. These resources need to be gathered and circulated amongst the Muslim community to help combat ignorance. People need to be educated on family values, the importance of the family unit, healthy marriages, the view of the Shari’ah and responsibilities. Too often we hear about rights (of husband/wife etc) but too little of responsibilities and individual efforts to stabilize families and the community at large.
- Look out for vulnerable sisters (especially if you are a sister too). Look out for reverts, young sisters, those without families or a wali, single mums, foreign students/workers etc. If you see suffering revert sisters, refer them to SOLACE; if you see abused sisters, get them in touch with Nour-DV, and generally just keep a kind ear out for the weak amongst the community (obviously this is not a license to pry and get into peoples’ private affairs but you know what I mean).
- Don’t pressure new reverts in Islam towards marriage! Revert sisters are often pressured to marry within such a short time of their coming into Islam, and although some people will say that it’s in her best interests to have a stable family etc, but actually, making a new revert feel that marriage is the next thing on her Islamic to-do list after the Shahadah is often a cause for many problems. She needs time to learn her Deen, learn Islamic principles and learn her rights (and this is not feminism in any way, it’s her protection); then she can be more prepared to avoid these brothers and avoid getting duped.
- Give a voice to the victims. Don’t be judgmental, and listen to their stories. Furthermore, if you know a sister who has encountered one of these predators and come out of it, allow her to feel comfortable in speaking out about it – if Shar’i conditions cannot be established to confirm proof against the person, at least anonymously – or even through this blog: Share Your Stories
Communities need to know what’s going on, to increase awareness and also potentially prevent other vulnerable sisters from getting pulled into these same pitfalls. But as long as the victims are shamed into silence and the topic is considered taboo and ignored within our midst, these predators will continue to get away with their crimes and our problems will never be solved.
Please share any other solutions or ideas you might have to help combat this problem in the comments below!