We’ve been married for a few years. I knew him prior to marriage and I (we) did repent for that. But he has gone off on two different occasions to acquire a second wife. On both occasions the sisters that he married seemed more out of desire and assuming that things would be different, with marrying a less than knowledgeable individual that lack basic manners and deen.

Even after knowing this at the time of marriage, he consummates then complains that he wants this second wife to have similar manners and deen as I do. My concern is that he has revealed his past (I know that as muslims we should keep these things to ourselves) and he was married several times as a kafir, and cheated on these wives and now it seems that he’s using Islam as a justification for doing this (having multiple wives).

He’s says that he loves me, but I feel that he’s just used to me and my good manners and resourcefulness, but he doesn’t attempt to treat the second spouse the way he treats me. He is very open to tell me things about the second spouse that I don’t want to hear.

Both marriages were seemed to be performed in a very sneaky and questionable manner. I don’t have a enough space to go into the details. He has stated on occasions that he has to have a second wife.

Is it allowed in Islam for a man to marry and divorce as many women as he wants (I know no more than four at one time), but one every few months, even if he’s just marrying another woman for the purpose of having something different temporarily? With the intent of using one of her negative qualities as a reason for divorce? We do not have children.

Am I allowed to request a divorce on the grounds that I cannot continue to cope with these situations and I’m losing the love and desire for my husband?

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

It is obligatory for both spouses to keep the secrets of the marriage, especially anything that has to do with their intimate relationship in bed. The wife is entrusted with the husband’s secrets and the husband is entrusted with the wife’s secrets.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) turned to the men and said, “Is there any man among you who, when he comes to his wife, he locks the door, throws his blanket over himself and conceals himself with the cover of Allaah?” They said, “Yes.” He said, “And does he sit after that and say, ‘I did such and such, and I did such and such?’” They remained silent. Then he turned to the women and said, “Is there anyone among you who speaks (of private marital matters)?” They remained silent. Then a buxom young girl sat up tall so that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would see her and hear her words, and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, (the men) speak and (the women) speak.” He said, “Do you know what the likeness of that is? The likeness of that is that of a female devil who meets a male devil in the street and he fulfils his desire with her when the people are looking on.”

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2174. Classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7037.

Secondly:

With regard to your husband’s other marriages, if that is for the purpose of “having a change” as you say, then this is marriage with the intention of divorcing, which is deceiving the woman and her guardians (walis).

Shaykh Muhammad Rasheed Rida (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The fact that the scholars of the earlier and later generations emphatically forbade mut’ah (temporary marriage) implies that marriage with the intention of divorce is haraam, even though the fuqaha’ said that a marriage contract is valid if the husband intends it to be temporary but did not state that as a condition in the marriage contract; but his concealing that is regarded as a betrayal and deceit, and this contract deserves to be annulled more than one in which he stipulated the condition that it be temporary with the agreement of the husband, the wife and the wife’s guardian.

This leads to many evil consequences as it is abusing this great bond which is the greatest of human relationships, and going along with one’s whims and desires. When this condition is not stated clearly, that is cheating and betrayal which leads to other bad consequences such as enmity, hatred and loss of trust even of sincere people who want to get married in the real sense, which means protecting the chastity of both partners and cooperating in establishing a righteous home…

Quoted from Fiqh al-Sunnah by al-Sayyid al-Saabiq, 2/39

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) spoke similar words on the prohibition of such marriages. He said:

Moreover this view – the view that (such marriages) are permitted – may be exploited by those who are weak in faith for evil purposes, as we hear that some people have started to go on vacation, during time off from studies, to other countries to get married with the intention of divorcing soon. I have been told that some of them marry several wives on these trips, as if they go there only to satisfy their desires which are more like zina (adultery, fornication) – we seek refuge with Allaah.

Because of this we think that even if there is a view that it is permitted, it is not appropriate to open this door because it has become a means that leads to that which we have mentioned.

With regard to my opinion on this matter, I say that this marriage contract is a valid contract, but it involves deceit and betrayal, so it may become haraam because of that.

It is deceit and betrayal because the wife and her guardian, if they knew the intention of this husband, and that his intention is to enjoy intimacy with her and then divorce her, they would not accept this marriage. So in that sense he is deceiving and betraying them.

If he tells them that he wants her to stay with him for the duration of his visit to that country, and they agree to that, then this marriage is mut’ah (temporary marriage).

Hence I think that it is haraam, but if anyone goes ahead and does it, then the marriage contract is valid, but it involves sin.

Liqa’ al-Baab al-Maftooh, Question 1391.

But if he married you with the intention of making the marriage permanent, and he has no intention of divorce, but then something happens which is a reason for divorce, then there is no sin on him in that case.

Thirdly:

With regard to his getting married in secret, if that is in the presence of the woman’s guardian and two witnesses, and the marriage contract is done in that fashion, then it is a valid marriage. But if it is done without the woman’s guardian or without the presence of two witnesses, then the marriage is not valid. See questions no. 7989 and 2127.

Fourthly:

We advise your husband to fear Allaah with regard to his family, and to fear Him with regard to people’s honour. He should note that it is not permissible for him to fool about in this manner, for marriage is love, tranquility and compassion, so he should not make it merely a means of satisfying his desire and then abandon the woman.

We also advise you to be gentle in denouncing your husband, and to preserve the stability of the home, and be sure of what you mention about his intention in taking several wives and what you do not like about him. Remember that a woman’s jealousy towards co-wives may lead her to make mountains out of molehills, and the waswaas (whispers) of the Shaytaan may make it worse, with the aim of disrupting the stability of Muslim families.

So look at the matter with a little wisdom, especially the matter of his intention, which you cannot really know. Ask Allaah to show you the truth of the matter, and pray istikhaarah with regard to either staying with him or asking for separation. Think about your situation if you get divorced and what the consequences of that would be, then decide whether it is better for you to leave him or to stay and put up with it.

If you cannot bear it because of the things you have mentioned, then you have the right to ask for separation.

And Allaah knows best.

At the time, it also happened that there was a new convert in town who was a… stripper. A stripper who had continued … stripping, even after her recent conversion.

Khalid was able to arrange a meeting with the sister Harun had come to see and took him to see her, but Harun wasn’t interested.

When Khalid tried to find out about Harun’s thoughts concerning the sister he had just seen, his reply was, “What’s this I hear about a stripper?”

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Awareness Point:

These predators are not seeking to marry pious sisters to uphold the marital ties or create strong families and communities, but merely to serve their own (often deviant) sexual desires. Outwardly they appear to be righteous, but within inner circles their reality is starkly revealed.

So don’t get swept away by the ‘apparent’ nature of someone, especially if they are well known, but take time to check and investigate the matter.

]]> http://marriagebandits.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/not-interested/feed/ 1 marriagebandits http://marriagebandits.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/follow-us-or-join-our-facebook-page/ http://marriagebandits.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/follow-us-or-join-our-facebook-page/#comments Sun, 22 Jan 2012 00:16:06 +0000 marriagebandits http://marriagebandits.wordpress.com/?p=150 ]]> Assalaamu ‘alaykum

Since the blog is still very much under construction – we’ve now added the options to “Follow” us and receive updates directly to your email, or Join our Facebook page and receive notifications there.

This way, you can follow along with us as we expand and include a larger information base, as well as begin including the stories from these predators insha’Allah!

We’d also like to ask as we work towards improving our blog  :

What would you like to see on here?

What topics are you concerned about? Which issues need the most light?

We’d love to hear from you, so please join in with us in discussing the best way forward.

May Allah reward you all for your support!

I converted to Islam 12 years ago, before I met and married my husband. I am his second wife. The problem is that my husband has a habit of getting married in secret (to a third wife) without informing any of his relatives or me and the first wife. He likes to keep the third wife secret because usually she is not muslim. He might stay with this woman for a year or two until they split up and then in time he will find someone else.

Since I have been with him he has had 3 other women. I find out that he is with someone when he starts not coming home at night or he travels abroad without telling anyone. He just disappears for 1 or 2 weeks without informing his family. Despite this, he will deny to everyone that he is with another woman.

I get so depressed because I never know when my husband is going to stay the night in my house and I know his first wife feels like I do too. I have seen some scholars say that this kind of secret marriage is halal but how can it be when the husband has to lie so much and the wives end up being so depressed? Don’t women have the right to know how many wives their husbands have? When my husband only has me and his first wife he is so nice and equal and we are so happy but things change when he gets married in secret again.

Please note that he never has documents for the marriages. Please can you help me with this. I need to know if what he is doing is wrong. I know that there are many other women in my situation because scholars have said these marriages are halal so now lots of men are doing it. But it just encourages men to lie and be unfair, and women feel depressed and it really damages the family unit.

I have 6 small kids and it has affected us all.

Well, first of all – help us! Our blog is still in its initial stages, but we hope to keep improving with the help of Allaah, and the aid of our brothers and sisters insha’Allaah.

If you are interested in making a difference and taking action by helping us with our blog, below are a few possible methods how:

1. Get the word out!

Some of the blogs out there right now tackling this issue are full of allegations and accusations, most of which cannot be confirmed (even if they may be true). This goes against our Shar’i duties as Muslims and overrides the need for systems in which to approach the accused, and not just hear from the accusers. We plan to be different. Our goal is to provide an outlet for awareness, whilst keeping in line with the Shar’iah. This unfortunately means that we will not cater towards the ‘naming-and-shaming’ of specific individuals (as we believe this would require a more thorough process of verification), but we will host articles written and directed about these topics,and spread awareness of what happens to the victims of these criminals, from their own stories. It’s time to let the truth out, so that individuals and communities can be aware of this problem (as so many have been ignorant of it for far too long) and then take the necessary steps to prevent it themselves insha’Allaah.

But we need to get the word out! So spread it to your friends, contacts, families, Twitter/Facebook, and especially victims who have suffered from this, and help us put an end to these criminals!

2. Gather resources and submit content!

One of the leading reasons this phenomenon thrives is because of the silence and ignorance surrounding it. We need to get out there: ask our Imaams, our scholars, the knowledgeable brothers and sisters in the communities to speak out about it, address it, collect resources and then create a base to educate those who may be ignorant. And that’s just what we plan to do, bi’ithnillaah.

So if you’ve read or come across an article addressing this topic, or have valuable resources about this issue which you may have collected yourself and you feel would be beneficial to add to the site, please send us an email at : exposingpredators@gmail.com with the subject heading: [Submission].

3. Contact victims and ask them to speak out!

Silence and apathy have allowed this disease to spread amongst our midst. To combat it – we’ve got to create speech and determination. And for this, we need the victims of these criminals to come forward and to tell their story, so that others can know and be aware of what they went through, and take the precautions against it themselves.

And in time, we hope that by this awareness, through noting the similar patterns and methods from these stories, people will be able to recognize these scammers/bandits for what they are more easily, and sisters who find themselves in the same predicament can know that they are not alone, this is not part of Islam, and that they can find help.

So if you know any sisters who have been affected by these Marriage Bandits please encourage them to Share their Story with us. We need to work together to get awareness out, and request anyone who has gone through this to please come forward, even if it’s anonymously. 

Any help you can provide towards this initiative will be greatly appreciated, JazaakumAllaahu khayra!

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Below are a few other ideas on how you can support and help prevent the occurring of these tragic cases in your own communities.

• Don’t turn a blind eye.

• Warn those around you about the tactics of these predators. Prevention is better than cure – help your sisters and female relatives be especially educated about these cases, remind them of the potential pitfalls and approaches by these cults and predators and make them feel comfortable in approaching your or your family with any questions about this topic they might have.

• Take an active – not passive role. If these predators are in your area, contact and speak to your local Imams - collect your efforts and make them aware of what goes on and urge them to take responsibility and bring these people to account. Don’t expect someone else to start this effort, actively seek to be a part of the solution, not the problem.

• Gather resources and educate yourself and your community. Bring this topic up to scholars and those with knowledge and encourage them to speak out about these issues. These resources need to be gathered and circulated amongst the Muslim community to help combat ignorance.  People need to be educated on family values, the importance of the family unit, healthy marriages, the view of the Shari’ah and responsibilities. Too often we hear about rights (of husband/wife etc) but too little of responsibilities and individual efforts to stabilize families and the community at large.

• Look out for vulnerable sisters (especially if you are a sister too). Look out for reverts, young sisters, those without families or a wali, single mums, foreign students/workers etc. If you see suffering revert sisters, refer them to SOLACE; if you see abused sisters, get them in touch with Nour-DV, and generally just keep a kind ear out for the weak amongst the community (obviously this is not a license to pry and get into peoples’ private affairs but you know what I mean).

• Don’t pressure new reverts in Islam towards marriage!  Revert sisters are often pressured to marry within such a short time of their coming into Islam, and although  some people will say that it’s in her best interests to have a stable family etc, but actually, making a new revert feel that marriage is the next thing on her Islamic to-do list after the Shahadah is often a cause for many problems. She needs time to learn her Deen, learn Islamic principles and learn her rights (and this is not feminism in any way, it’s her protection); then she can be more prepared to avoid these brothers and avoid getting duped.

• Give a voice to the victims. Don’t be judgmental, and listen to their stories. Furthermore, if you know a sister who has encountered one of these predators and come out of it, allow her to feel comfortable in speaking out about it – if Shar’i conditions cannot be established to confirm proof against the person, at least anonymously – or even through this blog: Share Your Stories 

Communities need to know what’s going on, to increase awareness and also potentially prevent other vulnerable sisters from getting pulled into these same pitfalls. But as long as the victims are shamed into silence and the topic is considered taboo and ignored within our midst, these predators will continue to get away with their crimes and our problems will never be solved.

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Please share any other solutions or ideas you might have to help combat this problem in the comments below!